Finland finetuning party politics

Welcome to the modern age of technology-where everything is recorded.  And if it’s recorded in digital, better watch out.  Because digital is forever.  What happens in Vegas, doesn’t stay in Vegas anymore if there’s a smartphone around.

Take Sanna Marin.  At 34, she was elected Finland’s youngest prime minister in its nation’s history.  And for a prime minister still in her 30s, she’s definitely in her prime.  Unless you include King Tut, she is the third youngest leader of a nation ever. 

Recently she was recorded partying it up at a disco rather intimately and closely with a man (not her husband) on the dance floor.  This video naturally went viral and now she is much busier explaining this to her adoring public rather than trying to explain the recent spike in unemployment, alcoholism, domestic abuse and pink snowman sightings.  She claims she was only drunk, and not under the influence of any narcotics.  That’s a relief.

Finland, a country bordering Russia, recently filled out the lengthy 9,000-page application to apply to NATO after witnessing Russia pummel Ukraine for not wanting to be Russian.  Finland is now wincing, because it doesn’t want to be Russian either.  They are afraid Russia will soon be sending threatening messages that it wants to meet Finland after school.

This video of the 37-year-old prime minister acting like a teenager has caught the attention of the other NATO countries who wonder if she will be a reliable ally when her country joins the alliance.  Can you imagine how her country would react to the crisis of a Russian invasion?

“Mr. Secretary of Defense.  Russian troops are pouring across the border and our top generals are pouring vodka.  They have wet their pants and are crying for their mothers.  Where is the Prime Minister?”

“I saw her about an hour ago putting on her new party dress and makeup.  I think she went down to the local disco to have a cabinet meeting.”

“With all the noise in there, how can they hear each other?”

“They don’t.  They just text each other like teenagers.”

“Send someone down there from the secret service who can get by the bouncer and inform her about the Russians.”

“Sir, I’ve called her bodyguard, and he said she’s busy flirting on the dance floor with a strange man and doesn’t want to be disturbed.”

“What are they doing?”

“I think the hokey-pokey, sir.”

“That girl needs to turn herself around.”

“That’s what it’s all about, sir.”

“There’s a video already posted to social media about a rock star dancing with her and now she is sitting on his lap.”

“Maybe he’s from Lapland, sir.”

“I’m now getting reports from social media that many members of both houses of parliament are with her and they appear to be smoking marijuana.”

“Must be a joint session, sir.”

“This could be terrible for our country’s image.  Our Prime Minister is partying and Vladimir Putin will be here any minute demanding our unconditional surrender.  Don’t you realize what this means?”

“We’ll lose our standing as the Happiest Country on Earth?”

“Well, that and we’ll soon have as much caviar and vodka as we want if we behave ourselves like good little Russian vassals.”

“Will we have to learn Russian?”

“Maybe, but as conquerors the Russians will have to try to learn Finnish.  They’ll probably give up once they realize we have a harder language than they do and go home.  That’s our only hope.”

“What should we do until the disco closes?”

“The only thing we can do.  Get on Vladimir Putin’s Facebook account, send a friend request, and start liking everything he posts.  It’s our only hope.”

“Otherwise, we’re Finnished.”

Joe Crawford is a longtime Alton resident who writes weekly columns for The Telegraph. He can be contacted at crawfordjo@aol.com. 

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