Where Does the Self Hate Begin?

a drawing of two naked men embracing each other in the clouds

by Emmanuel

Where does the self hate begin?

When does it end?

When I think of media that has consciously and subconsciously influenced what I value as beautiful or worth loving, I think of porn. As a queer cisgender man, I grew up watching gay men in porn. Here you find mostly white men on sites such as Sean Cody, Chaosmen, Corbin Fisher, Citébeur and other film studios. On the other end of the spectrum, you find the Latino film studios such as Papi and for the black audience you will find Flava Works and a few others. In these films, the guys that you mostly find have the perfect desired bodies. They are usually hyper masculine. 

In these films, the guys that you mostly find have the perfect desired bodies. They are usually hyper masculine. They ascribe to either topping or bottoming and versatile sometimes. In these films, the erasure of fat bodies, disabled bodies, “unperfected” bodies is not accidental but very deliberate. The message that it sends to most gay men is that you are not desirable unless you fit these standards. The standards themselves are not sustainable. It then creates a culture of always trying to achieve or preserve what won’t last. This culture than creates disharmony within yourself. A creation of a gap that will never be filled.

In moving towards the ugly by Mia Mingus, she writes “We all run from the ugly. And the farther we run from it, the more we stigmatize it and the more power we give beauty.” I am tired of running. Can we imagine a celebration of our sexuality that reflects us? One that doesn’t dehumanize you and objectify you and reduces you to the size of your penis. One that doesn’t need for you to have the best chest, legs, ass, face, hair, etc..? One that sees all of you, your imperfections, your insecurities, your fear, your ugly, your beauty and choose to celebrate all of that as a whole.

How do you (un)plant a seed that has already grown?

How do you learn to love yourself again?

I lost myself



To look like those who never wanted me

Took for granted that the sun kisses me every morning

Left my body in a battle zone

My mental heath left to be devoured by the violence

Learned to hate myself



What never wanted me

Emmanuel is in the process of reclaiming and learning the power found in unapologetic self-love. He is currently teaching and learning new ways to acquire knowledge. He is interested in creating from a place of urgency and authenticity. He loves going out to do cute things with friends and talking about how air signs are awesome. Listening and honoring his past, the energies in the universe and his body is increasingly very important for him at the moment.